I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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