Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
All the doctor said was why
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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