Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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