Well apparently he's into motor boating.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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