the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Shame - the story of my life.
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