Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Randomize
