im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Randomize
