If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Randomize
