Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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