you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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