im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Randomize
