maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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