just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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