After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
