I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Randomize
