I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize
