i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
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