Send those Picts to my email please. From last night
Ps thx for the porn on my phone
;) ur welcome
I swear she didn't look like that last week.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
Randomize
