just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Randomize
