She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Randomize
