Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
