You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Randomize
