They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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