If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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