There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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