She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Randomize
