if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
