Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
