Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
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