I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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