she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
