dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
Just pee around me
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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