I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
