people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
Randomize
