the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
