God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
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