the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
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