I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize
