Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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