My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
Randomize
