Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Randomize
