Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
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