did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
