So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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