It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
