you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
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