That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
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