If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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