what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
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