you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Walk of Shame today included voting.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
